a culture of shame

there is something i have noticed about my behaviour (and a few of my closest girlfriends' as well, by their admission) in group settings over the years. a long dinner table, a birthday party at a bar, are all perfect settings to meet new people. however, given the opportunity, i will stay close to the select few that i already know, and be perfectly content in doing so. i won't start conversations or engage others, and much too often, i let discussions showing a lot of promise trail off without giving them, and the people involved, my best. my only saving grace is that i am not stingy with the smiles, because one of my biggest pet peeves is seeing a grumpy face upon meeting its gaze.

after giving some thought as to why this is, which involved ample amounts deliberation with aforementioned girlfriends, i think my demeanour stems from my ability or, rather, inability to share. in my opinion, the best conversations include lots of personal anecdotes. i enjoy listening to people's stories. who doesn't? storytelling is one of the earliest forms of entertainment. the problem: i'm just not good at dishing out any of my own, and i think this has a lot to do with the way i was raised.

my upbringing has been such that many behaviours (some of which make the best stories!) have been deemed taboo. everyone knows, though, that when certain actions are prohibited, they become that much more tempting. thus, an entire generation of youth that come from my ethnic background have been raised in a culture of shame. while, ideally, we would all like to go about our lives with nothing to hide, the shame that comes from having partaken in these so-called "ignominies" has led to a life of secrecy. we screen and withhold in order to stifle our experiences into a nice, little, acceptable package. throwing a shroud over even the most mundane event, then, becomes a habit.

now, i am not one to blame (all) my shortcomings on my past, but i feel that this has definitely played a part in the way i approach new people. as i said earlier, ONLY if given the opportunity will i 'stick to my guns', so to speak. there are some people, however, who have this gift of engaging others so effectively that even the most anti-social come out of their shells, and in their company i have seen myself come out of mine. their strength lies in their indiscretion, and in turn, they give me the strength to be a little less shameful.

a start.

i have thought about starting this blog hundreds of times. my day consists of entries upon entries of eloquent mental soliloquy, which my insecurities deem too insipid to share with someone other than myself. after all, who will stroke my ego if it turns out my ramblings have been nothing but...ramblings?